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Loss of spirit
I feel like I have to get this off my chest. At least one way or another because i feel like this sort of thought has been upsetting me more than it should be. To put it simply, i feel like i lost my sense of self. Of who I am as a person and how detached i feel from the world. December has just begun and i can’t help but feel aggravated and on-edge. These upsetting thoughts of reality and how survival of the fittest is how the system works around here is somewhat of a pain to deal with. As a human, i feel like it’s not fair to kick someone on the ground when they are down because i believe that people should be given a chance IF they are trying their absolute best to accomplish their goals in life. I hate how society has shaped this expectation of people and how individuality is nothing more than a mere myth told in textbooks and newspapers. I don’t want to sound pessimistic because my entire life was a pessimism in the first place. I want to be a better person. I want people to feel and accept me. I want to be closer to those whom i feel comfortable with. I want all these positive things in life. But as it stands, reality just seems so….frustrating. The cost of living is almost impossible to deal with in the city that i grew up in. The cost of transportation is seemingly a dream for those who want to even travel from one place to another. I just can’t fathom how i feel like i ruined my own life. I’ve went through a typical childhood of going to school, getting bullied, having bad social experiences, conflicts at home, and even breaking my sanity in college. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to grow. I never felt like i did anything wrong in life. I did all the required things that is expected of a typical human being. Going to school, graduating, getting a job, making friends; yet i feel unsatisfied. I don’t know when this spiral of negativity started but i knew that i was in a better state of mind last year than i am today. Now i feel like i lost my composure. I’ve broken down emotionally and spiritually inside and i can’t seem to piece the broken bits of me together again. I can’t help but relapse to the dark moments where i felt like suicide was the only option. I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. For my whole life, i felt like no one ever supported me in who i was as a person. Not my family, not my siblings, not even some of my friends either.
As the season of christmas continues to roll around, i can’t help but dwell on these thoughts because the mere thought of giving and feeling comfortable with a loved one is something i never really got to experience. These songs of christmas spirit and what it ultimately means to understand this holiday is something that is ruining my perception of life. They said the Grinch was a “bad” person for not believing in the christmas spirit but in actuality, i don’t agree. He was just merely stating the facts that reality is more than just a holiday that we put a mask over and say that it’s harmless when in truth, the mask eventually comes off to haunt us again. I cry to myself knowing that reality is a terrible thing to deal with and not being able to have someone to talk to or even share this feeling of love is just awful. I pray that God will forgive me for being so weak and helpless while others are blessed with power and determination to combat against his myriad of trials. I just want to feel loved again. I want to know what it feels like to be with someone who can care and be there to support you even at your worst. I seek companionship. I just want to feel ok again. It’s not fair that i feel these strong feelings for you. If there was anyone in the world that i would tell my deepest, darkest secrets to, it would be you. You’ve given me the love that i desired all my life yet i feel so disconnected from world. Not to sound cliche, but you really do brighten up my darkness with your presence. Please continue to try your best in life because i feel like i’ve failed you way too many times. Please continue to watch over me, senpai.